Fuzz

Birthday

2009-10-25T00:01:13Z

According to at least one person, I am now officially gay for going to the Mall of America and playing MagiQuest with people for a friend's birthday. I feel this is mitigated somewhat by the fact that (since we had to enter "Magi names") I entered my name as Sir Schmoopy.

Apparently the "of Awesometon" was too long to add on.

More ADD for society

2009-10-03T18:29:26Z

I've recently begun noticing that people who are used to using text messaging a lot from their phones seem to have greater and greater trouble as time goes by with emails. It is slowly becoming the case that an email that's a couple of paragraphs is considered a "long email," and tends to make people want to put it off "until later." I sent emails to each person in my gaming group this week, and I'll be surprised if half of them read the emails. There probably wasn't a single one that was longer than a half or 3/4 of a page. Sad. Ah well, I updated how to get to my place through the road construction at the end. Let's see who got to that part...

Oh Crap!

2009-10-01T04:53:39Z

I don't normally post those random Family Guy clips you find all over the place, but I had to hunt this one down after seeing the episode:

Battle of the Jaywalk

2009-08-20T19:12:24Z

This is some of the funniest shit I've ever seen. Particularly part 2.

Florida University

2009-08-12T07:24:51Z

I note that there are colleges called "University of Florida" and "Florida State University" and such.

I think they just wanted to avoid the abbreviation "FU."

Art Fairs

2009-08-12T07:18:05Z

Someone told me the Powderhorn Art Fair was better than the Uptown one. I disagree, but both were worth going to. I question the wisdom of having them all on one weekend, but then I'm just not cut out for a whole weekend of art fairs if I don't get to see or buy enough stuff I like. Some stuff was really good though. Just not the rain.

Is there an echo?

2009-08-10T01:23:50Z

Seems like everyone I've called or emailed over the last couple days (who I don't talk to all the time anyway) has utterly failed to get back to me so far. Was thinking I'd have separate plans this afternoon and this evening, and none of them happened. No one calling. No one texting. Did the tornado suck everyone up? Hello...llo...o..?

Hit me in the face with a soccer ball

2009-08-08T09:04:38Z

This just kills me. atillathehung ought to appreciate it too (much as you hate youtube posts, man).

Mother Lover

2009-08-08T08:38:54Z

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/digital-short-motherlover/1099491/

Man, why did I only find out about this recently? This sequel to Dick in a Box is awesome.

Milestone

2009-08-05T07:27:41Z

Well, I finished editing the first third of my pirate novel. Privateer novel. Whatever. I've got 186 pages in 9 chapters so far. It took more editing than I anticipated, but I think I've done a pretty good job to now. I guess I'll see what the three people who have been asking about it think.

Neat

2009-07-03T19:00:19Z

Is this guy for real? I've researched stuff about this online and can't find a single negative review by anyone who has used it. I think it's pretty awesome if it's real.

Various media happenings

2009-06-21T05:59:05Z

Finally saw The Shawshank Redemption today, not to mention the Pride and Prejudice miniseries the other day. Liked both a lot. Plans have been hijacked a lot for me lately, but I've gotten a fair bit of writing done for just a few days, and I've not minded the bit of rain we had.

On another topic, why is it that girls who have taken voice lessons always seem to think that using vibrato is something one should do all the time? In my view, doing so counteracts any positive gains of said voice lessons.

Update

2009-06-15T05:47:27Z

So I'm back to writing again. Whee!

In other news, what the hell is up with traffic in this town? Are they shutting down all the highways in the twin cities at once for shits and giggles or what?

Minesweeper, the movie

2009-05-30T19:29:32Z

Found a preview for an awesome new movie!

Hahahahaha.

Efforts for the Trivial

2009-05-21T07:46:19Z

Wow, someone put a lot of effort into this:

It's well-done, even if it is entirely too fanboy/girl-ish.

Defenses

2009-05-12T17:30:21Z

Hmm. Discovered today that I've been banned from my ex's LJ. Funny that I only found out today and through a fairly neutral comment I attempted to make.

I don't really feel that's warranted, as I only ban people who make a complete nuisance of themselves on my journal, but it seems like people's defenses always take things a step farther than they need to go just so they can feel in control of the sucky aspects of life. But then if that weren't true, everyone would get along okay in the first place.

Turtles all the way down

2009-05-08T12:47:27Z

Some days I just think of simpler ways of putting the much more complex things I'd thought earlier. When that happens, a couple of different things happen as well:

-I note how one reason I come up with these first is because I'm the only one paying attention to it.

-I note how not simplifying them in the first place makes avoidant people able to justify writing them off.

-I note how pointless it is to bring any of it up because of the previous two points.

And the respect for such people continues to degrade...

Starcraft Stupidest Moments

2009-04-24T22:38:23Z

This is some funny Starcraft shit. If you can excuse the crass music...

Nightmare

2009-04-21T19:14:52Z

I hate nightmares. I can count how many I've had in the last 20 years or so on one hand. Today I woke up after my ex, her bf, and her bf's ex tricked me into an airtight vault and then locked me in. Thankfully I didn't dream through the running-out-of-air part. Ugh.

Awesome Video Game

2009-04-20T23:29:11Z

Wow, check out this highly detailed and plot-rich video game.

[This is a video from the Onion, just so you know what you're clicking on.]

Barnes & Noble

2009-04-14T18:35:50Z

Apparently my creative urge is just plain gone. I've tried numerous times to sit down and write either fiction or non-fiction, essay or book, and I just can't seem to do it. It took a few well-placed questions by Jennifer for me to realize that it's because creativity is sort of an urge to give; to bring spirit downwards into the world--and I still feel like the vast bulk of how I have "given" in the last 10 years has generally ended up getting thrown in the trash.

However, I have been more able to distract myself, so I've been doing a good deal of that. In addition, I've found it helps to read various psych texts (though I sort of resent the need) just to understand the behaviors of others and because it really is nice that this has the side effect of showing me how often I actually do handle things well (and occasionally that I let something build too much).

That said, it's very nice that Barnes & Noble tends to have places to sit and read their books. I'm sure it's a good business decision because they sell coffee and stuff even if they don't end up selling the books. In any case, I've been reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder lately. Man, it's depressing. What's really sad too is that you can find 1000 books on bi-polar for every 20 you find on BPD, and BPD is far, far worse (even in terms of suicide rates) and also far more widespread.

Symbols

2009-04-12T04:22:33Z

I'm generally not very big on symbolism, but sometimes it's really those little symbolic slights and endings that really get you.

Contributions

2009-04-12T02:03:24Z

I was thinking a couple of days ago about an issue that has from time to time been kicking around in the back of my mind, but never really made it into words until then. Namely, what is it that really makes friends be friends? What makes people be able to be close?

Really, to me, it seems to be that connection you feel with a person that you like. You don't feel it because you like them, but rather it seems you like them because you feel the connection. I've met people who I had very little in common with who I felt strongly connected to, and I've met people who I had a great deal in common with who I had no connection with at all. A connection with a person can involve multiple levels and facets, and seem like it bonds them pretty closely in a potential sense (obviously behavior has to match for it to be very viable), or can be a fairly casual thing, or be very specifically about one small set of characteristics, but we all could probably think (without fully understanding it) who it is that we connect with among the people we know, and how much that makes is want to be around them or wish that we wanted to be around them.

And I thought, "What does do two people have to offer each other if that connection isn't there?" I mean really, what is there? What makes them special to you without that? Hobbies they share with you? Lots of people in the world probably do. Skills they have? Again, lots of people probably do. Humor? There are plenty of funny people in the world and plenty of people who will laugh at your jokes. And they will share more laughter if there is more of a connection. Even if a person has very rare abilities or traits, or just has a whole lot of qualities that you generally value, does all this actually make you care about being around them if you don't feel any connection with them?

My own experience is "no." I can still respect them or speak well of them, but I don't feel any inclination to be around people I don't connect with. I've met a few in the last year or so, and it just doesn't really occur to me to want to be around them. When their names flash by on my list of phone numbers, I think more of how it's a pity that I don't connect with them, and I keep skimming right on by. We usually try to put words to why we don't want to spend time with these people, because it bothers our minds that we can't logically puzzle it out. But if we're not careful, we can be somewhat uncharitable in our assessment, as if these people have somehow wronged us by not having a different inner core that lets our expression of life fully into them, and that can express itself fully to us in a meaningful way. In such cases, the two people are a pair who just can't really reach each other. And it always seems mutual, though sometimes one or the other will fool themselves into thinking there is a connection because with all the other things they have in common with the person, "There MUST be one there...right?"

Two such people have nothing to contribute to each other though--they could spend all their time together, and the most they're likely to accomplish is to make each other aware of certain new things that they would like to share with other people.

So then that led to the question:
If such a connection is artificially blocked, denied, or disavowed (by one or both parties), do these two people have anything further to contribute to each other?

And again, I found the answer had to be "no." However, this is a different case. In this case, there is the potential for a bond, but it is fought against. The result of this is that it can be one-sided (because the potential bond is mutual, but the effort to block it does not have to be), though the effects will always go both ways. A block will make it impossible for anyone doing the blocking to receive anything of meaning that the other has to offer, and will make it impossible for that same person to contribute anything of meaning in that dynamic as well. Such blocks generally pop up under the pretense of protecting something, but really they always protect the self of whoever puts them up. And there are different levels that these blocks can pop up on.

For example, back when Jennifer was running from the fact that she had fallen in love with me and got engaged to someone she did not have a deep connection with, she did not have much luck really blocking out emotions going either way, but there were verbal blocks in place--she would not admit to any such feelings, and seemed to consider it a technical foul to respond to my genuine feelings. But she clearly felt as deeply without saying it, and she always responded the same way (visibly, not verbally) to anything I shared.

Some blocks run deeper, some are conscious, some not (those are most dangerous), but all carry with them some form of insult because they are a way to deny reality and protect the self (usually from imaginary threats) at the expense of others, and denying reality is just a fancy term for lying. And we can see the lie, because the connection between souls can't be effectively blocked (not directly--they can only be blocked through the intermediaries of mind and body). But aside from that, such blocks prevent either party from benefitting from the other on whatever levels the blocks are at. This part seems generally to not be understood. People often throw up these blocks, but still want to feel some benefit from the other side. This is a means of attempting to appropriate benefits from a person without conferring any. If a block is intellectual, no intellectual benefit can be had on either side. If it is emotional, no emotional benefit can be had on either side. If it is physical, well that's obvious--a physical wall works both ways, as we all know. So does any other kind of wall.

And two things I have noticed as well--genuine connections are always mutual, and they do not go away. They are either blocked or they were not there to begin with.

So I realized that those two cases--where there is no natural connection at all, and where there is one but it is pretty much blocked as much as possible--are pretty much the same in effect, apart from the latter case involving insult and denial as well. And what does either case leave of a person? A collage of skills, talents, hobbies, passtimes, quirks, and countless other things that we cannot connect with even if we have those same qualities and flaws ourselves. And what could we hope to gain by spending time with someone we don't connect with? There are some reasons I've seen people do this (sometimes I've done it for a bit before I wise up too):

Audience seeking: We all like it when someone finds us amusing, learns from us, or otherwise acts as an audience. But with no connection, it ceases to satisfy very quickly.

Bond building: We like to kid ourselves that this connection can be built with time and effort. But it can't, and sooner or later we figure that out.

Non-connection benefits: Anything from money to sex to just one more person to play board games with, sometimes you just treat someone like a warm body when you really shouldn't.

Someone else's wish: Sometimes you're stuck around these people because someone you DO bond with wants them there. I swear, this happens most often to me with people's family (including my own).

I'm sure there are other reasons, but you get the picture.

Think about it though: What is it that makes a person special to OTHER people, directly? What is it about you that is special to anyone else without a connection there bonding you? What is there about me that's special without that, when faced with people directly (i.e. not through accomplishments and works)? My suspicion is simply this: Absolutely nothing. So what does such a person have to contribute to another in terms of meaning and growth without there being a connection there?

Absolutely nothing.

This really is not a depressing realization--it simplifies things quite nicely, really. People feel so much responsibility to keep beating their head against those walls everyone puts up to protect themselves, or to get through a connection that was never there to begin with. It's really not worth the effort, so it's relaxing to realize you can put the pickaxe down.

Think positive? Right.

2009-04-09T18:37:11Z

Man, today is going to suck. :(

Mystery Pee

2009-04-07T02:46:35Z

Woke up this morning feeling like my covers were slightly...damp. I think one of my cats peed on my bed. I suppose it could have been me (that would be really weird), but I'm pretty sure it was a cat.

Willow has done that a couple of times if he was just waking up or startled. The little guys are getting old. They don't seem like it, but they are. Had fun washing the bedding again. Whee. I hope it's just an "incident" and not the beginning of a downward kidney spiral.

Found a book on my shelf the other day on PTSD. Totally forgot I had it. I mean, I knew I had some thick psych book, but I thought it was The Courage To Heal. Probably thought that because they both have purple print on the cover. I got it towards the end of the whole debacle with Serena, not that it mattered. I only read some of it at the time. Anyway, it's really good. I wish I didn't know so many people who it applied to--or rather I wish it didn't apply so much to so many people I know. I figured I'd bring it with me to hang out with Jennifer while she worked on her final. We actually got together a couple times this weekend while she worked on homework. I didn't mind. It helps for a little while. She told me I had to not talk to her so she could get stuff done, but she couldn't resist talking to me anyway, which was nice. Still, hopefully we'll get to hang out soon without the homework.